One intrepid reporter was brave enough go behind the scenes and scoop these exclusive interviews. The transcripts made it out to see the light of day (but we have lost contact with the reporter...)
Five minutes with ALLURA SUPREME...
What’s the best thing about being the Supreme Mistress of Make-Up?
Nature can be very unkind to people. I see it as a privilege to provide this much-needed cosmetic
care to thousands of poor unfortunate souls with less than flawless skin. I like to think of myself as
the fourth emergency service really. I’m a humble creature at heart.
Why did you choose Splendorella to be the face of Supreme Cosmetics?
Splendorella is like an Everywoman: on one level she is a great star in the drag community. On the
other, she is just an ordinary girl who found the right make-up at the right time and trusted in its transformative power for life.
You’ve devoted your life to serving the drag dermis. Why do you love drag
queens so much?
...sorry I was just on the other line...ah yes, drag queens...well they try so hard don’t they? You’ve got
to admire that. They are so determined and unstoppable...and trusting. They are like innocent fairytale characters who believe in magic...and make-up (but mostly make-up).
What would you be if you weren’t a cosmetics magnate and a drag club owner?
Oh I should probably be involved in community outreach projects or charity fundraising. Like Mother
Theresa. Only with better outfits and an on-site manicurist. There’s no excuse for looking shabby just because you’re in a hot country.
An audience with SPLENDORELLA
What’s the best thing about being the undisputed queen of La Douche?
The applause! No the fans of course — my douchehags. Inspiring people to love themselves and be faaaaaaaaaaaaabulous is everything!
What’s the secret behind your flawless skin?
A strict skincare regime — always Supreme Cosmetics — the only way to bring out your inner fierce.
Is it sometimes lonely at the top?
How can being loved and adored ever be lonely!?
Do you have any advice for the baby drag queens following in your footsteps?
Too much is never too much! And werk!
A taste of HONEY
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Who says I’m not grown up?! Rude! Do you mean, what do I want to be when I’m really old? Basically, I just want to preserve my beautiful baby drag dermis with all of the
Supreme cosmetics range so that I will NEVER get old. And then I can be forever young!
Who is your drag icon and why?
How could there be more than one answer to this? Obviously, the one queen who rules over all, with a flick of her immaculate huge hair and a beautiful raised painted eyebrow - SPLENDORELLA! I love you, Splendie! Mwah. Douchehag 4 life.
The world can be a dangerous place for a baby drag queen. What’s your survival strategy?
1) Never take your heels off.
2) NEVER take your heels off.
3) If someone asks you to take
your heels off, be extremely suspicious.
4) Shoot for the moon and you’ll end up among the stars.
5) Keep your heels on at all times.
J walking
What do you want to be when you grow up?
My absolute hero is James Bond so when I grow up I want to be a hybrid of all the James Bonds. By the time I’m 30 it should be possible to inject components of personality traits in to your genes. So I’ll select the suave sophistication of Roger Moore, Sean Connery’s accent and the decisiveness of all the Bonds but without the misogyny.
What do you look for in a good gadget?
Practicality. Also if they’re multi purpose & impossible (for Honey) to break that’s a bonus.
Oh and I also look for gadgets with a 2-year guarantee. There’s no point in getting a secret magnetic pen if
it breaks before you can open zippers with it from a distance.
“How’s my henching?” The Henchman Agency
The Henchman Agency is the #1 go-to agency for any villain looking for highly professional henchmen to help them carry out evil master plans.
Meet four of our high calibre employees.
Henchman #1
What drew you to a career in henching?
We have a rich family tradition of henching. All my brothers signed up when I was a child. They were obviously having such an amazing time because none of
them ever came home. I couldn’t wait to sign up, and I hope to meet my brothers
on a job one day. I miss them.
What are the ideal qualities of a Henchman?
Personal hygiene is very important. If we’re throwing a client into a vat of
poisonous chemicals, we owe it to them to look presentable. Clean fingernails
are a must.
What is the most rewarding thing about working for The Henchman Agency?
We get to work with all sorts when we’re imprisoning victims, which is lovely
as I’m very much a people person.
Henchman #2
What drew you to a career in henching?
Mostly the perks. With today’s economy you really can’t underestimate the value of a decent dental plan.
What are the ideal qualities of a Henchman?
Being able to pull off a boiler suit.
What is the most rewarding thing about working for The Henchman Agency?
Making new friends :)
Henchman #3
What drew you to a career in henching?
Mostly the helmet.
What are the ideal qualities of a Henchman?
It’s important that you look good in the helmet. If you don’t, the menacing looks really don’t have the same gravitas.
What is the most rewarding thing about working for The Henchman Agency?
Polishing my helmet.
Henchman #4
What drew you to a career in henching?
To hench: be hench, have hench, and set a hench mark for better henching in the national hench services.
What are the ideal qualities of a Henchman?
Muscles, brains and an undying love for Alexander McQueen (the true Queen of England).
What is the most rewarding thing about working for The Henchman Agency?
Knowing that there is no other henching agency that takes the hench more seriously than we do.
The Henchman Agency is currently recruiting
Do you think a career in henching could be for you?
